ARIES (March 21-April 19): Poit twoonie squaggle? Floon morble tid bubbu taha, hen? Hen?
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the "Big Band" theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call "Tuba Ensemble".
GEMINI (May 21-June 20):A person of Irish descent will attempt to sell you something you don't especially want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia (a type of freshwater fish) -- you'll find it's his new hobby.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): You will unearth a small stone figurine, while digging in a garden. If you set it on your television and put a small bowl of fruit in front of it, those unsightly warts should clear up in a week or two.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Good day to buy a stereo microscope, and examine that stuff under your toenail. Well, as good a day as any.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting "Hark!" however.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):You will be followed by people who look suspiciously like shoe salesmen. Try to remain calm -- they can sense fear.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):Today you will attempt to capitalize on the success of SPAM by inventing SPEEF. Unfortunately, you would have been much better off trying to make SPICKEN, instead.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You would be ill-advised to try to shoot kidney beans out your nose, today. (Yes, I know you were thinking of it.)
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You will develop the extremely rare "Perkin's Disease", and will start having a strange compulsion to shoot things with tranquilizer darts, or sell insurance. Plus, you will try to trick your friend, "Jim", into wrestling a giant anaconda.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn't been "blackened". Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between "catches horrible disfiguring disease" and "loses everything in major earthquake". I guess you can pick whichever one you want, in this case.